Category Archives: News

Middle School Teacher Moonlights As Porn Star

Posted by apt46 on March 8, 2012 None comments

In a very exotic case of life imitating art, the plot of every middle school boy’s wet dream has come true: their hot science teacher somehow started doing porn on the side — probably because she needed money one lonely summer. She is 31 and her porn name is Tiffany Six, meaning either her middle name is Tiffany, or she had a cat named Tiffany and grew up on 6th Street somewhere.

Tiffany Six

 

In a turn of events that no one could have seen coming, her secret identity was found out by the chaste students in her southern California school, not far from San Pornando Valley. When the titillating news reached the ears of administrators, an investigation was quickly launched. But to their great disappointment, none of the hardcore porn footage they had been promised could be found and the accusations were deemed mere baseless rumor. However, some of the more passionate teachers didn’t want to give up the dream quite so easily; emboldened by a belief in superior Googling skills, they continued the investigation via smartphones and were soon rewarded with immoral treasure.

But how? Well, in their haste, the administrators forgot about parental controls on school computers which are very effective at preventing students from watching porn and discovering teachers’ night jobs.  After thoroughly watching all the videos on smartphones, the school district placed Ms. Six on paid administrative leave. While her contract doesn’t have a morality clause, officials are hopeful they can find something in it which they can use to fire her.

Update, 21 April 2012: On April 18th, the school board unanimously voted to fire Ms. Six. She hired a lawyer and is planning on disputing her dismissal.

Via The Daily Mail and ABC News

The TSA Finally Detected Explosives

Posted by apt46 on January 1, 2012 None comments

On the last day of 2011, after never stopping a single terrorist in its decade-long existence, after waving through security the shoe bomber, the underwear bomber, the Mythbusters guy carrying footlong razor blades, someone with a stun gun, and a whopping 60% of explosives during a security test, the TSA finally got a win: it stopped a guy with explosives.

What the TSA sees in an X-ray machine

 

And how did they catch him? Not with naked body scanners or pat downs, but with the regular X-ray machine: something in his baggage looked suspicious and it turned out to be military-grade explosives. Now, there may be a wrinkle in the fact that the guy is a member of the military, and he was returning from Christmas vacation with his family in west Texas to his military base in North Carolina. So the whole thing could be nothing. But in any case, the fact that they even found the explosives is a huge milestone for the TSA. Like a really old person figuring out how to work a webcam. Good on you, TSA!

From AP

Shocker: Amy Winehouse Died Of Alcohol Poisoning

Posted by apt46 on October 26, 2011 1 comments

A few days after Amy Winehouse died in July, her family said she had been clean of drugs and alcohol for a couple of weeks, and they figured she died of alcohol withdrawal. The theory being that giving up the bottle was so tough on her tiny body that her system just went into shock and called it quits. Yeah, nobody else bought that either. And today, you (and Occam’s Razor) have been proven right: the coroner reports that while she had no illegal drugs in her system, her blood alcohol level was 0.416%, which is more than five times the legal driving limit, and a little bit above the fatal level that’s around 0.400% — explaining why she died from it.

 

Illustration by VectorPortal.com

 

Apparently she wasn’t so much an alcoholic as a binge drinker — she wouldn’t drink for weeks, then go nuts on the stuff. No word on whether she died while snorting vodka.

From Monsters and Critics

Steve Jobs Was Half Arabic

Posted by apt46 on October 21, 2011 1 comments

The Internet is all aflutter with anticipation over the new Steve Jobs biography coming out on Monday. Excerpts have been released and the biographer is going to appear on 60 minutes on Sunday. Most of what’s been revealed so far is the kind of stuff you’d expect: that his hippie sensibilities made him seek alternative cancer treatment before resorting to surgery, and that he was really really mad at Google for trying to copy the iPhone. And then there’s the tid-bit about how him and his biological father met, without either of them actually knowing about it.

Steve Jobs' biological father, Abdulfattah Jandali

Steve Jobs was put up for adoption by his biological parents, because his German mother’s parents objected to her relationship with his father, a Syrian graduate student named Abdulfattah Jandali. This was back in 1954, and the German grandfather died ten months later; Steve’s parents got married shortly thereafter and had another kid name Mona in 1957, then divorced in 1962. In the 1980s, Steve Jobs tracked down his biological mother, Joanna, who had remarried and taken her new husband’s last name, and then met his sister Mona Simpson, a successful novelist. They kept their relationships a secret until 1986, when all three showed up to a party promoting Mona’s newest book. In an interesting turn of events, Mona later married one of the writers of The Simpsons, who named Homer’s mother Mona, after his wife.

Steve Jobs' biological sister, Mona Simpson

 

Homer Simpson's parents, Abe and Mona

 

At first, Jobs tried to also meet his father; but after learning about the man, he decided he didn’t like what he learned. Since he abandoned both him and his sister, you can’t really blame him. (Although in 1978, ironically, Jobs himself abandoned his illegitimate daughter for two years, claiming she wasn’t his because he was supposedly sterile.)  But in a giant coincidence, the biological father at one point ran a Mediterranean restaurant in Silicon Valley, one at which Jobs ate. In fact, before knowing that Steve Jobs was his son, the father bragged to the sister, Mona, that Steve Jobs ate there and was a big tipper.

The strangest thing to think about though, is that if Jobs would’ve never been put up for adoption — besides the fact that he might not have founded Apple — his name would’ve been Steve Jandali.

From Hi-Tech Analogy and NPR

Steve Jobs Died — Round-up

Posted by apt46 on October 6, 2011 1 comments

The Internet has, of course, been overflowing with the news of Steve Jobs’ death. Below, a round-up of it all:

From Jonathan Mak Long

 

Tweets:

RIP Steve Jobs. Closest thing we had to Tony Stark. – @pattonoswalt

I’m wearing my black turtleneck at half mast (see: mid-riff only) tomorrow. — @SamGrittner

It would be awesome/miserable if all Mac products spontaneously combusted right now. – @JillMorris

Steve Jobs is in Heaven, angrily throwing a malfunctioning demo harp at some angels as they scramble to find a working back-up.#RIPSteveJobs — @paulcibis

DIP Steve Jobs. Sorry, that was auto-correct. RIP Steve Jobs. :( — @iamledgin

You guys I’m sad about Steve Jobs too but SteveJobs2 comes out in like a month. – @eliroth

CNN: “Apple visionary Steve Jobs dies”. Fox News: “America loses Jobs under Obama” – @Nicolucci1899

My iPhone just dropped a call, but maybe it was just having a moment of silence. — @JoeMande

I’m still trying to get a handful of folks to FORGET what I created in my parent’s garage in the 70s. #ThankYouSteve — @trumpetcake

RIP Steve Jobs. He’s amongst the iclouds now…. — @Lord_Voldemort7

Just wait; 2 years from now, Bill Gates will die too, but in a much less user-friendly and intuitive way. #steveJobs — @hollywoodphony

 

 

Steve Jobs’ 2007 keynote in which he introduces the iPhone:

 

His commencement address at Stanford in 2005:

 

His first keynote after coming back to Apple in 1997. This one is pretty long, but it’s very interesting: he’s not yet the CEO of Apple, and the keynote has a very informal Q&A format in which he lays out the principles that Apple would adhere to for the next 14 years.

 

And finally, Wired changed its main page to a tribute of Steve Jobs, with quotes from tech celebrities:

Wired Magazine's main page

“The world rarely sees someone who has had the profound impact Steve has had, the effects of which will be felt for many generations to come. For those of us lucky enough to get to work with him, it’s been an insanely great honor. I will miss Steve immensely.”  – Bill Gates

“The world has lost a visionary. And there may be no greater tribute to Steve’s success than the fact that much of the world learned of his passing on a device he invented. Michelle and I send our thoughts and prayers to Steve’s wife Laurene, his family, and all those who loved him.” — President Barack Obama

His last public appearance was in June of this year, when he went before the Cupertino (where Apple is based) city council to present plans for Apple’s new campus. He resigned as CEO two and a half months later, on August 24th.

 

Andy Rooney Is Retiring

Posted by apt46 on September 28, 2011 1 comments

For 33 years, Andy Rooney has been closing 60 Minutes with his colorful essays, and this Sunday will be his last regular one. He is now 92 and has been working for CBS for 62 years, since 1949. He’s been with 60 Minutes since its debut in 1968. Last year, CBS summed up his career in video narrated by his colleague, Morley Safer:

 

Rioters Don’t Want Books, Say Book Sellers

Posted by apt46 on August 10, 2011 None comments

The disaffected youth in England has been rioting, mostly for the fun of it, for a few days now. They’ve been looting and destroying a lot of “shoppes”, but bookstore owners aren’t scared. Why? Because no one wants books, least of all rioting youth. Which makes a lot of sense, because even if your anger did come with a thirst for knowledge, you have two choices:

  • Carry the heavy paperbacks like an oaf out of an old-fashioned bookstore, or
  • Steal an iPad and a Kindle from Best Buy, then fence the Kindle and use the proceeds to buy an iBookstore gift card

So in stiff-upper-lip British fashion, the bookstores have proudly stayed open during the riots, all the while probably pondering the future in selling stuff that people don’t even want to steal, much less buy.

 

Via NPR

Trebek’s Achilles’ Tendon Is In Jeopardy

Posted by apt46 on July 29, 2011 None comments

It appears that Tuesday night at 2:30 am, a 56-year old woman broke into Alex Trebek’s hotel room and stole a bunch of his stuff. Trebek, who apparently sleeps in the nude, was awoken by the noise, put on underwear, and like any other 71-year old game show host, went to get his stuff back. In the meantime, the burglaress hid his stuff and when Trebek confronted her, she denied every having been in his room. But when he threatened to call security she started running, so he gave chase for a few yards until his right Achilles’ tendon ruptured. Security later caught the woman and even found most of his stuff, stuffed behind an ice machine. His cash was gone though, as was the only piece of jewelry he wears: a bracelet his mom gave him.

Lucinda Moyers, the alleged burglar

 

This of course prompted a lot of Jeopardy!-style jokes such as:

  • “We’ll take ‘Crime-Fighting Super Heroes’ for $200, Alex. (Time Magazine)
  • “If you think that was tough, you should see what Mr. Trebek does to the contestants who don’t phrase their responses in the form of a question.” (New York Times)
  • “A: Alex Trebek. Q: Who is a badass?” (The Daily What)
  • “LA to file charges against DJ party that turned violent. City had to deploy extra cops – but mostly because Alex Trebek wasn’t available.” (Towle Tompkins)
  • “I knew, one day, my ‘Dont F**k with Trebek’ t-shirt would have meaning beyond irony” (Avrielle)
  • “Alex Trebek tear achilles tryin’ to foil a crime….. ‘What is to old to be trying to be Batman’” (Steve Wilson)

Trebek and his crutches at the National Geographic World Championship

 

He was staying at the Marriott Maquis Hotel in San Francisco, because the next morning he was supposed to go to nearby Google headquarters to host the National Geographic World Championship — which he actually ended up doing despite of his injuries. In true Jeopardy! form, he explained what happened:

The answer is, at 2:30 yesterday morning, chasing a burglar down the hall at my San Francisco hotel until my Achilles tendon ruptured and I fell in an ignominious heap to the carpeting.

Then he went into more detail:

I woke up and saw a figure in our hotel bedroom and I thought I was dreaming. A moment later, I got up and saw that the door was being held open by a wad of tissue. I opened the door and saw a woman walking away, and I realized immediately that someone had been in the room.

He went after her, confronted her, and after she denied everything:

As I reached for the phone to call security, she bolted. She ran down the hall. I chased her. And I didn’t get more than 25 feet before my right Achilles tendon ruptured and I crashed to the ground.

And here’s an AP news video on the whole event:

Via AP, The New York Times, Washington Post, Fox News and The Daily Mail

Canadians Will Prevent Fights With Lollipops

Posted by apt46 on July 25, 2011 None comments

According to The Globe And Mail, the city of Victoria (it’s the capital of British Columbia, on Vancouver Island) is going to try to prevent drunken bar brawls by handing out lollipops to assholes. The idea is supposedly an import from Great Britain, where they come up with all those good ideas we steal, like The Office. Lollipops exhibit this magical ability of pacifying assholes because they’re basically giant pacifiers; also, it’s hard to yell at innocent bystanders or your fellow douche from the Jersey Shore if you’re sucking a lollipop. Not that anyone would take your threats to bash their skull in seriously, since you’re holding a lollipop: it essentially turns you into a 9-year old girl without a pink bicycle.

Photo by Flóra Soós

 

The city also said some mumbo jumbo about sugar calming drunk people down, which makes total sense because if large amounts of a powerful depressant (in the form of alcohol) didn’t calm them down, then surely an upper like sugar will do the job. That’s why moms always give kids lots and lots of sugar when they need to calm down.

No word on what they will call this elite force of lollipop servers, but one would hope it would be The Lollipop Guild.

The Lollipop Guild

 

From The Globe And Mail, via Neatorama

A New Country Is Born

Posted by apt46 on July 8, 2011 None comments

This doesn’t happen every day, but after decades of fighting and a referendum in January where 98% of the southern Sudanese voted for independence, South Sudan is finally becoming it’s own country tomorrow, July 9th, 2011. It will be the 193rd country recognized by the UN. The last one was Montenegro in 2006, which used to be part of Yugoslavia.

Map of Sudan. The part in pink is going to become South Sudan.

 

The new country will be one of the most environmentally-friendly on earth because fighting since the mid-80s has killed over 2.5 million people (the population of Nevada) and left the region extremely poor and undeveloped.

Via The Washington Post