A list of funny jokes:
Did you hear about the midget in the nudist colony? He kept poking his nose in everyone else’s business.
What’s the circumference of a pumpkin? Pumpkin Pi.
A woman hires a clock repairman to fix her grandfather clock. The repairman comes over and asks what the problem is. The woman says “It just goes ‘tik tik tik tik’, instead of ‘tik tok, tik tok’”. The repairman turns to the grandfather clock and says “we have ways of making you ‘tok’”.
Alice: Ask me the secret of comedy.
Bob: What’s the sec–
Alice: Timing!
Undertaker’s phone rings.
Man: Hello. My wife died. Can you come by and pick up the body?
Undertaker: Sure thing. Where do you live?
Man: Over by Hydrangea and Eucalyptus streets.
Undertaker: Can you spell those for me?
The man pauses for a little while…
Man: How about I drag her over to Maple and Oak?
A bus full of ugly people gets in an accident, and every one of them dies. They get to the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter grants them all one wish. The first one wishes to be beautiful, and he becomes beautiful. The second one wishes the same thing, so does the third, and so on. When the last guy gets to St. Peter he’s laughing a lot, and St. Peter asks him what’s so funny. The guy replies “for my wish, I want them all to be ugly again”.
Q: What do we call the science of classifying living things?
A: Racism
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator says: “Calm down, I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: “OK, now what?”
Tom Brady, after living a full life, died. When he got to heaven, God was showing him around. They came to a modest little house with a faded Patriots flag in the window. “This house is yours for eternity Tom, said God. “This is very special; not everyone gets a house up here.” Tom felt special, indeed, and walked up to his house.
On his way up the porch, he noticed another house just around the corner. It was a huge 3-story mansion with Orange and Blue sidewalks and driveways, a 50 foot tall flagpole with an enormous Broncos logo flag waving, a swimming pool in the shape of a horse, a Broncos logo in every window, and a Tim Tebow jersey on the front door.
Tom looked at God and said “God, I’m not trying to be ungrateful, but I have a question. I was an all-pro QB, I won 3 Super Bowls, and I even went to the Hall of Fame.”
God said “So what’s your point Tom?”
“Well, why does Tim Tebow get a better house than me?”
God chuckled, and said “Tom, that’s not Tim’s house, it’s mine.”