A woman hires a clock repairman to fix her grandfather clock. The repairman comes over and asks what the problem is. The woman says “It just goes ‘tik tik tik tik’, instead of ‘tik tok, tik tok'”. The repairman turns to the grandfather clock and says “we have ways of making you ‘tok'”.
I will not sleep until I find the cure for insomnia.
Tom Brady, after living a full life, died. When he got to heaven, God was showing him around. They came to a modest little house with a faded Patriots flag in the window. “This house is yours for eternity Tom, said God. “This is very special; not everyone gets a house up here.” Tom felt special, indeed, and walked up to his house.
On his way up the porch, he noticed another house just around the corner. It was a huge 3-story mansion with Orange and Blue sidewalks and driveways, a 50 foot tall flagpole with an enormous Broncos logo flag waving, a swimming pool in the shape of a horse, a Broncos logo in every window, and a Tim Tebow jersey on the front door.
Tom looked at God and said “God, I’m not trying to be ungrateful, but I have a question. I was an all-pro QB, I won 3 Super Bowls, and I even went to the Hall of Fame.”
God said “So what’s your point Tom?”
“Well, why does Tim Tebow get a better house than me?”
God chuckled, and said “Tom, that’s not Tim’s house, it’s mine.”
A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.
Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.
Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets the job done.
Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there’s no punchline.
Kid: Daddy, we made reindeer food in school today! …but you can’t eat it.
Dad: Ha ha! Why would I eat the reindeer food, buddy?
Kid: Because you’re fat.
‘Jesus loves you’ has a different meaning in a Mexican prison.
Did you hear about the midget in the nudist colony? He kept poking his nose in everyone else’s business.
Q: What do we call the science of classifying living things?
Undertaker’s phone rings.
Man: Hello. My wife died. Can you come by and pick up the body?
Undertaker: Sure thing. Where do you live?
Man: Over by Hydrangea and Eucalyptus streets.
Undertaker: Can you spell those for me?
The man pauses for a little while…
Man: How about I drag her over to Maple and Oak?
A bus full of ugly people gets in an accident, and every one of them dies. They get to the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter grants them all one wish. The first one wishes to be beautiful, and he becomes beautiful. The second one wishes the same thing, so does the third, and so on. When the last guy gets to St. Peter he’s laughing a lot, and St. Peter asks him what’s so funny. The guy replies “for my wish, I want them all to be ugly again”.
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator says: “Calm down, I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: “OK, now what?”
What’s the circumference of a pumpkin? Pumpkin Pi.
A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, “In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.” But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”
What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night? He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.
If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.
Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over and says “Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?” Heisenberg says, “No, but I knew where I was.”
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce “unionized.”
A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. The photon says, “No, I’m traveling light.”
It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
There are two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.
The general form of light bulb jokes:
How many elements of a group does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
N. One to screw in the lightbulb, and N-1 to perform an action stereotypical of the group.