Tag Archives: florida

Topless Woman Destroys McDonald’s

Where could this be? St. Petersburg Pinellas Park in — wait for it … that’s right! Florida. No other details yet about when and what happened.

Update, 9 April 2014: According to the Tampa Fox affiliate, the rampage happened after one of the McDonald’s employees turned down her offer of oral sex. The woman is apparently just plain crazy, since she wasn’t on drugs or anything. The fantastic narrators of the video have been fired by McDonald’s. Pinellas Park is just west of St. Petersburg, which is just southwest of Tampa.

Update, May the 4th, 2014: Looks like the video’s been taken off of YouTube, which is very unfortunate. The Daily Mail has a bunch of photos and the video though.

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From YouTube, Via My SunCoast

Earth Swallows Sleeping Florida Man In His Bed

Normally, you hear about these kinds of acts of God only in the Bible:

“It was not your children who saw what he did for you in the desert until you arrived at this place, and what he did to Dathan and Abiram, sons of Eliab the Reubenite, when the earth opened its mouth right in the middle of all Israel and swallowed them up with their households, their tents and every living thing that belonged to them” — Deuteronomy 11:5-6

A guy named Jeremy, his wife, their two-year old daughter, Jeremy’s brother Jeff, their aunt and a dog were sleeping in a house in Seffner, FL just east of Tampa. Around 11pm, a sinkhole opened up beneath one of the bedrooms, where the 36-year old Jeff was sleeping. He shouted for help, and his brother ran to find him being swallowed up by the sinkhole. The brother called 911 and jumped into the hole but he couldn’t get Jeff out. Police got there just in time to pull the brother out of the still-sinking earth, but there was no sign of Jeff.

The sinkhole house: 240 Faithway Drive, Seffner, FL.

 

Engineers came and surveyed the area to find a way to go in looking for Jeff, but he was probably long dead already. The hole was 20′ x 30′, and the house passed a sinkhole inspection six months before.

The Tampa Bay Times says that sinkholes are common in Central Florida, but that it’s rare for people to get caught up in them. Although, in March of 2011, it did happen to a woman not much further east, in Plant City. She had her cell phone though and called 911; police saved her when they arrived, but it was a close call: everything but her fingertips had been swallowed up by the earth.

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From Tampa Bay Times and CBS News, via NPR

Look Up In The Sky, It’s Florida Man!

Probably after noticing that many, many ridiculous newspaper headlines use the term “Florida Man”, someone imagined that the journalists were referring to a terrible superhero, along the lines of Superman, Batman and Spiderman, but whose super power is “getting in trouble with the law”. So, they made a Twitter account and started posting these headlines, making it possible for everyone to follow Florida Man’s misadventures. Thus far, he’s been deemed too fat for jail, repeatedly called 911 to request that they send a female officer to have sex with him, then barely a month later got arrested for a DUI, only to blame it on a squirrel.

Florida Man

 

But that was in 2012; this year, we find out that Florida Man is actually bisexual and has a boyfriend whom he hit with a plate after getting annoyed with the amount of Alanis Morissette music the boyfriend was playing. His home situation gone awry, Florida Man moved in with his mom in Seattle a week later, but it didn’t last long: two days after that, he got high on bath salts and, after police showed up, he scratched their car with his teeth and caused 600$ worth of damage.

The only disappointing thing is many of the headlines that @_FloridaMan tweets don’t actually contain the words “Florida Man” in the title — though all of the ones above do.

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From Twitter, via Neatorama

‘Spring Breakers’ Trailer

Spring Breakers is about four girls on spring break in Florida who decide to turn to crime to keep the party going. A James Franco you’d hardly recognize helps them out. The movie was shot in and around the St. Petersburg area. Its wide release date is March 22nd.

From YouTube, via The Superficial

Florida And Virginia Governments Rank Asians As Smartest, Blacks As Dumbest

Before you go on wondering if this is news from 1954, rest assured it’s from the time when a black man is running the country. Background: the No Child Left Behind Act that teachers love to hate set the audacious goal that all children should read at their grade level by 2014 — meaning that fifth graders actually read at a fifth grade level. This being a ludicrous goal, 33 states have asked for waivers so they can get their act together and maybe meet that goal a decade later.

Two of those 33 states are Florida and Virginia, and they both think they found a way to improve their overall test scores: since intelligence has been scientifically correlated to skin color, why not have separate-but-equal testing requirements for the big four races? That way, blacks, whose dark pigment blocks most of the sun’s knowledge rays from entering the brain, don’t have to suddenly become twice as smart in order to compete with the super-intelligent asians, who have an unfair advantage since their eyes are specially adapted for reading and memorizing.

photo by Sukanto Debnath

 

So, in order to make sure the four major races of man are each challenged at their particular level of intelligence, the Virginia legislature set the following passing test scores:

  • 82% for Asian students
  • 68% for whites
  • 52% for Latinos
  • 45% for blacks
  • 33% for kids with disabilities

Oh yeah, they also made sure to take into account the much tabooed fifth race: the mentally retarded. To be fair, it’s a sliding scale, because compared to the Asians, every other race is retarded. The Florida legislature, however, decided to go a slightly different racist route: they set goals for what percentage of students from each race should be reading at their grade level:

  • 90% of Asian students in reading, 92% in math
  • 88% of whites in reading, 86% in math
  • 81% of Hispanics in reading, 80% in math
  • 74% percent of blacks in reading, 74% in math
  • No goals for kids with disabilities

Florida officials, for their part, mentioned that their plan makes sense because students come from varying socioeconomic backgrounds. However, they apparently found out that splitting kids up by socioeconomic background was too difficult, and decided to rely on the only attribute that, throughout American history, has made any sense as a discriminating factor: genealogy.

Some of the finer points of the racial segregation have yet to be made public. For example, are Indians and Chinese both counted as Asians? Indians look more like blacks, but perform more like Chinese, so it’s a tough call. Also, what about the smaller races: American Indians, Eskimos, those people from places in central Asia like Uzbekistan, and the occasional Aborigine? Are they all lumped together with one of the other races, possibly Latinos?

Olivia Munn is half Chinese

And what about those who aren’t pure-bloods? No word yet on what will be done about the mixed race kids like Obama, Tiger Woods, Lou Diamond Phillips and Olivia Munn. In Virginia, perhaps the passing grade will be based on a formula of one’s racial makeup: for each race in your blood, multiply the race’s passing score by what fraction of you is of that race, add them all up, and voila. The half black, half white kid’s passing score: 56.5%. The black kid with one Asian grandmother that his grandfather met on his tour in Vietnam: 54.5%. The kid with a grandparent from each race: 61.75% — better than pure-blood Latinos, but not as good as pure-blood whites. And then there’s the set of twins, one of which is black and the other white.

They could just use a simple majority rule: if you’re half or mostly Latino, you’re Latino. Or maybe they’ll just go with the one drop rule: one drop of black blood makes you black, and the only way you can be considered Asian is by having no black, Latino or white blood to contaminate the learning ability. They should also institute mandatory genetic tests, just to make sure that the kid who says he’s Latino is not actually just a tanned Italian trying to get out of studying.

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From Northwest Public Radio and The Palm Beach Post, via Slashdot

Monkey On The Lam Caught After 3 Years

In 2009, authorities in the Tampa Bay area got alerted to a 45lb rhesus macaque monkey hanging around the area. They couldn’t have cared less. People in the know speculate that the monkey, whom they’re calling Cornelius after the simian character from Planet of the Apes, was excommunicated from a feral colony of his brethren that lives in the Silver River State Park, about 100 miles north of Tampa. That colony dates back to 1938, when a jungle cruise boat operator released some of the macaques to make his tour better. (Rhesus macaques, by the way, are often used for scientific research and the Rh blood type factor is named for them; research on them also helped develop the smallpox, polio and rabies vaccines.) After Cornelius made it to the Tampa Bay, the urban monkey got national attention, and even caused Stephen Colbert to give the Clearwater police department a wag of the finger:

After some time, Cornelius made it to the ghetto on the south side of St. Pete, nearby Lake Maggiore. The residents were apparently pleased to have a monkey in the neighborhood and fed it and everyone was happy. One woman was particularly friendly with it and let him play with her dog and her kids, until one day Cornelius bit her. This was finally a good reason for the authorities to try to catch the beast, and they set a trap for for it. Cornelius carefully got the banana out of the trap without tripping it. They set another one, which worked, except for the fact that after being caught, Cornelius broke the door and escaped. So they set another trap and brought in a vet with a tranq gun: Cornelius never saw it coming. He pulled the dart out, stumbled off, got shot again, and then finally passed out.

Cornelius shot in the urban jungle by an anonymous photographer

 

The woman was quite nice and didn’t request for the monkey to be tested for rabies — which would require his brain to be inspected, which in turn would interfere with being alive. The vet says Cornelius is overweight, probably from all the junk food humans gave him, but is otherwise in good health and must have been grooming himself very well since he didn’t even have fleas. He’s about five years old now and will probably live another 15 years or so, most likely in a monkey sanctuary.

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From The Tampa Bay Times, via NPR

Real-Life Plot Of ‘Super Troopers’ In Miami

The hilarious movie Super Troopers is mostly about a rivalry between Vermont state troopers and local Spurbury city cops. They play pranks on each other, get into fights, frame each other for crimes, etc. The same thing is apparently happening in Miami. It all started in October 2011 with this stop at gunpoint of a Miami cop by a Florida Highway Patrol (FHP) state trooper:

Since then, the Miami cops have been busy getting revenge:

  • an anonymous one shot a video of an FHP car driving at 100mph on the Florida Turnpike, then sent it to a local TV station.
  • another one, way outside his jurisdiction, pulled over an FHP trooper
  • someone dumped “several gallons of human feces on an FHP cruiser parked in front of a trooper’s home”

If life is imitating art well, this should be a really funny chain of events.

From The Miami Herald

Florida To Cut Early Voting Time in Half

NPR is running a story about how the Florida legislature Republicans want to cut the early voting from 14 days to seven. Republicans say it’s in order to save money, Democrats say it’s in order to cut Democratic voter turnout. In the 2008 presidential election, a third of all Florida voters voted early.

From NPR